NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Stressing that
the situation in the underworld was
quickly spiraling out of control, Satan,
the Great Tempter and Father of Lies,
announced Wednesday that he would
not allow any more Catholic priests to
enter hell. “This place is completely
overrun with those monsters, and
frankly, they kind of creep me out,”
said the Prince of Darkness, adding
that every time he looked up, he saw
another recently deceased member of
the Roman Catholic clergy being cast
down into the fires of hell, where each
is expected to be tortured until the
end of time by Satan and his minions.
“We’re used to having every manner
of unrepentant sinner down here, but
those guys are beyond messed up. I
swear, if I see one more of those sick
bastards, I’m going to throw
myself into the eternal flames.” In
response, God has reportedly instituted
a secret policy whereby the priests
would no longer face damnation but
would instead attend mandatory
counseling sessions and then be
quietly transferred into heaven.
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